I Feel Betrayed by My Partner; Is There Hope for Us? (4 min. read)
So you’ve just found out one of the most heartbreaking, confusing, and frustrating things you could have ever imagined, and unfortunately it’s not just your imagination. Whether this was completely surprising or something you’ve suspected was going on for a while, it’s understandable that you’re left with a lot of questions like, “what now,” “how could this have happened,” or “is there hope for us?”
You may be feeling like your safe place, your constant person, has done a 180 on you, and you’re wondering if you’ll ever feel that sense of safety again. You may be feeling like your gut was telling you to “be on your guard,” and even though you thought it was true, you’re furious that your gut was right. You may be feeling like every little moment, every conversation, every intimate encounter, was a lie because your partner has been living a double life during the course of your relationship. You may be feeling some of the things listed above, all of them, or that and then some- but wherever you are, there is HOPE. There is a way to find safety for yourself again. There is a way to get through the unimaginable.
If you’ve chosen to read this post, you likely are in a place of “hoping for hope.” Part of you doesn’t know if it is even possible, but you want to try to mend things. You are feeling everything from angry and hurt to wanting to be comforted and held by the person that betrayed you. The spectrum of emotions may feel confusing to you and your partner both, but those emotions are valid. It will take some time- wounds don’t heal overnight, but restoration of the relationship is possible. This wound, no matter how deep, needs some intentional care and protection to heal just like any other wound. It’s all about putting in the time and effort to help your mind heal from the wounds of betrayal.
When it comes to figuring out if there is hope, there are two important factors to consider: do you want to mend the relationship AND does your partner want to mend the relationship? If you are both ready to take the steps to mend the relationship, read on and invite your partner to join as there are steps for them to take as well!
Since you are wanting to work on mending the relationship, here are some things you can focus on.
Give yourself grace. What you’ve just been through likely led to some unimaginable pain. It is understandable to have days where you feel like you’re in a deep pit of sadness even if you have been feeling generally healed. There’s no expectation for you to have your emotions, or even your home, all put together.
Take time to process (alone and with others). Whether it’s a close friend, church leader, support group, or counselor, you’re going to need others in your corner. Processing on your own is healthy and needed, but having the input of others helps you not feel isolated in your hurt.
Communicate your triggers to your partner. A situation, place, or person may bring up unpleasant thoughts and feelings as you heal. If and when you are able to recognize any particular triggers, communicate those with your partner. A trigger is a trigger, and it’s still valid even if it doesn’t seem to make sense to you or your partner.
Since your partner is wanting to work on mending the relationship, here are some things you can show your partner that they can focus on.
Validate your partners’ emotions. Whatever feelings they are experiencing are very real and raw. Whether you think the emotions are confusing or make you feel frustrated, validating the emotions can help restore connection between the two of you.
Focus on your own healing. This is not just a time to let your partner do the work of healing from the experience. You need to allow yourself space to process and heal as well.
Be honest about where you’re at and what you’ve done. If your partner wants to know more, give them honest but gentle responses. Their mind is likely flooded with thoughts and questions, helping them get those questions out and responding with honesty, can help get themselves out of their heads and be more present.
Since you both are wanting to work on mending the relationship, here are some things you both can focus on.
Communicate your needs with one another. Both of you need certain things throughout this process. They may need to see certain actions started or stopped to feel less triggered. You may need to see more grace and affection to feel they still care for you. Whatever the needs, communicate and find compromises when necessary.
Check in with one another. This is not just a one-time discussion. Check in consistently with one another, regularly and as you feel may be needed in moments when you notice your partner may be struggling.
Prioritize self-care. If you aren’t healthy yourself, working on strengthening the relationship may feel increasingly draining. Take time to figure out what fills your tank, and work hard to make those things a part of your everyday routine.
Consider seeking professional help (individually and/or as a couple). Talking with someone who is trained to help lead you and your partner towards reconciliation is a wise investment. Whether you get individual counseling or see someone together, the benefits of having a non-biased party involved are many.
Whenever you’re ready to reach out, I look forward to being a part of your story of healing and restoration in your relationship.
Written by Holly Pelphrey, MEd., LPC
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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash